Schmidt: Google has no plans to compete with mobile operators. Translation: Google will compete with mobile operators

My very good friend Dr. Eric Schmidt spoke at the Mobile World Congress yesterday and insisted that Google has no plans to compete with mobile operators. Which in the weird and wonderful world of Eric Schmidt means that Google in fact does intend to compete with mobile operators, and probably has already spent months if not years cooking up ways to put mobile operators out of business. Take it from someone who learned this the hard way. Eric is not to be trusted.

Our engineers have been working on a device they call the “Schmidt-orator” which basically takes anything Eric Schmidt says, either in printed form or an audio file, and translates it into the truth.

For example, according to Reuters, Eric was in Barcelona trying to convince mobile operators that Google is their friend, not their enemy. Run that through the Schmidt-orator and you find out that what Eric actually means is that Google wants to lure you into its car by telling you that it intends to take you out for dinner and a movie; but once in the car you discover that the doors are locked and cannot be unlocked, and before you know it you’ve been drugged and blindfolded and Google has taken you to some scary room and is wearing a pig mask like the guy in Saw and is doing terrible things to your rear end.

Best part of Barcelona was when Eric put on his choir boy act and did his little shtick to the mobile carriers about how both sides need each other. Money quote: “Find a way to say yes, not no, is our thesis.”

In other words, just do what we tell you, and you won’t feel a thing when the bullet hits the back of your head. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so sad.