Last I knew it was New Year’s Eve and I was tossing in that best videos of 2009 thing to run on New Year’s Day, because I knew I’d be kind of out of it on New Year’s Day and wouldn’t be able to post anything because I was going to be put into a medically induced coma and have my nanobots replenished at the Singularity Institute. Was all supposed to happen in twenty four hours and the deal was I’d be home by Sunday. So everything goes blank and now I just woke up and I asked BreezeAnne what time it was and she said it was seven in the morning — on Tuesday. I’m like, Tuesday? Seriously? And she’s like, Yeah, seriously, and you must be starving so here here’s a mango smoothie, and I was like, No time for that, I’ve got to get to the office and catch up on my email and make sure the tablet is still on track.

So whatever. I’m back in the Jobs Pod, vertical again, and arguing with Tim Cook about how much we should overcharge for the tablet. Tim says we can’t go over a thousand dollars, because that’s like some huge psychological barrier, and I’m feeling like hey, if there’s one lesson we learned from the iPhone it’s that we can overcharge as much as we damn well please and people will still line up to buy the friggin thing. Six hundred bucks for a phone, and nobody blinked. This tablet thing is at least twice as good as the first-generation iPhone, so I’m pushing for twelve hundred out of the gate, figuring we bone all the early adopters and then quickly bring the price down to widen the market. I mean look at the hype! Look at the frigtards all trying to guess what it will look like and what it will do! We could start taking orders for it today, sight unseen, at fifteen hundred bucks and I’d bet you we’d sell ten thousand units by the end of the week.

Anyway, we’ll work it all out. Meanwhile, happy New Year, dear Apple faithful. And namaste. I honor the place where your hopes and dreams become projected onto my unannounced products and merge, ultimately, with my personal net worth. Peace.