In case you’re wondering why I’ve never been caught in one of these sex scandals

Because you must be wondering that, right? I mean I’m rich. I’m famous. People worship me. Plus, I can hypnotize people pretty much at will. And, let’s be honest, when you put me next to Larry, and Eric, and even Bill Clinton, or really almost anyone, well, I’m a lot better looking. That’s not bragging. Because it’s not something I can really take credit for. It’s just the way I look. Anyway, the reason I’ve never been busted is that I simply don’t cheat. And this is not because I’m some great guy, because, yeah. It’s just that I can never work up the energy to be interested in other people. Male or female. I just can’t stand them. Not. At. All. Also, with sex, there’s the touching thing, and with that the germ thing. Bigger reason, however, is that you have to sit there and talk to someone, and then you have to pretend to listen when they’re talking, and then you have to get rid of them once you’re done with them — oy. Who needs it?

I mean look at these whores who claim they’ve been hooking up with Tiger. First of all, they’re all the kind of girls who maybe look good in very dim light (which is why they work in nightclubs, hello) but when you see the photos, wow! These are some ugly girls. I mean if I had a dog and it looked like Jaimee Grubbs, I’d shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards. Rachel Uchitel looks way too much like Steven Tyler of Aerosmith for my liking.

But ugly isn’t the biggest problem. The problem is, Can you imagine what these women sound like when they’re talking? Can you imagine what they must talk about? Yap-yap-yap, about — what?

The only way I could imagine ever being tempted would be if some scientist created a complete perfect 100% replica of me, and then if that replicant happened to live next door to me and I ran into him/me and one thing led to another. But that’s not even going to happen. so let’s not worry about it.