Check out the video here. Erin Burnett (above, pretending to be a vampire) says that everyone is blaming AT&T for the lousy network — “But then I found a study, Jim. Nielsen did a study looking at who is really to blame, and they say it could be Apple itself. The chip set that connects the iPhone to the cell phone towers has issues.”

Gee, I wonder how she “found” that study? You don’t suppose her pals in the PR department at AT&T are shopping that around, do you? Jesus. AT&T is in full-court press mode on this one. First the dude in the Times. Now the hacks at CNBC.

Funny thing is that Cramer then points out that all you need to do is find out whether the iPhone has problems in other countries, on other networks. If not, this would seem to indicate that the problem is not the phone. Erin says she visited 18 countries this year and had no problem with her iPhone. Ergo, what?

Right. In the tiny brain of Erin Burnett, this proves the problem is caused by us, not AT&T. Furthermore, she says that for this reason I should not be elected Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.”

Story behind the story: A while back Erin Burnett was in the Valley with Jim Goldman, and he gave her my phone number. She drunk-dialed me and wanted to come over. I told her I was flattered, but no thanks. She said, If you let me come over, I’ll make sure we do nothing but puff pieces on you. I pointed out that CNBC already does that. She said, Okay, so let me flip it around — if you don’t sleep with me, I swear to God I will devote my life to destroying your stock. I was like, You know what? I just got half a hard-on when you said that. But, again, no. Sorry. Nothing personal, I’m just not that into you. I mean, I used to date Joan Baez. You know what I mean? I’m operating on a slightly different level. I don’t hook up with TV news cupcakes. She goes, I’m not a cupcake, and I’m like, No shit, that’s why you’re on CNBC instead of a real network, but you said it, not me.

I told Katie about it and she told me I really need to learn how to be more polite. But I’m like, Dude, what’s the point of having billions of dollars if you still have to be polite?

Anyway, that’s why Erin is out to get me. Namaste, Erin Burnett. I will pray for your tiny, dark, withered soul.