That seems to be the condensed version of what Chandra Bhenchodaravinakalakrishnanmurthystan told the world on a Web conference a few minutes ago. Bullet points after the jump:

* Fusion Garage never had any contracts with Arrington or TechCrunch. Now, I’m no lawyer, but I’ve watched plenty of Judge Judy, and if you don’t have receipts for the dry cleaning, you can’t make someone pay for spilling stuff on your coat. It’s just how it is.

* TechCrunch didn’t contribute any code. Well, but, like, they totally had all the really cool ideas, didn’t they? And they did draw some UI stuff on paper with crayons.

* Arrington talked a bunch of shit about how he was going to acquire Fusion Garage, but he never came through with an actual offer. Really? Talking a big game, acting like a massive powerbroker entrepreneur, but never coming across with any real cash? That doesn’t sound like the Mike I know. Oh wait.

* Fusion Garage owns all the IP. Oops.

* “TechCrunch is just a blog.” Ouch.

* They’re going to change the name to JooJoo, and charge $499. Um, you must be joking. JooJoo? “It means magic,” Chandra says. Well, yes. But then, so does prestidigitation. And legerdemain. You wouldn’t use those for a product name, would you? Also, has anyone pointed out that JooJoo rhymes with doo-doo, and poo-poo, and that this is what everyone will call your product, because, uh, those words mean “shit,” and that’s what your product is? Better yet, why not call it Doomed? That’s catchy.

* There are no lawsuits filed at this time. Translation: Arrington is full of shit, but I wish the motherfucker would. For that matter, so do I. What could be better than two teams with no money fighting over a product with no sales and no prospects? Oh please oh please oh please. And then our real tablet comes along and we kill everyone. The end.