Woz says he’ll give me some of his Facebook shares

woz-karGood old Woz. After all I’ve done to him over the years, he still wants to be my pal. So last night he calls and he says he just read that thing on my blog about the Facebook shares. He says, Hey, remember when we went public and you wouldn’t give any shares to the guys who had been with us in the garage, and so I created the Woz Plan and gave them some of my shares, or sold them really cheap? So I was thinking I could help you out on this Facebook thing. I’ll give you some of my Facebook shares. Okay?

I’m like, Wait a minute. You got Facebook shares? How the hell did that happen?

He’s like, Steve, everybody got Facebook shares. They’ve been spreading them around like mad. And I’m like, Well, I didn’t get any, and he goes, Yeah, um, well, yeah, I guess everybody got them except you. And I’m like, What is up with that, and he says, Well, you know, I guess it’s because you’re kind of a dick.

Point taken, I say. So then Woz says that he’s got 2,000 shares and if it will make me feel better he’ll give me half of what he got. I’m like, No way, I want a sixty-forty split, I get 1,200 and you get 800, and you cover the taxes on my share. He’s like, See? That’s what I’m talking about. What the heck is wrong with you, man? Someone wants to do you a favor and you still want more. It’s a sickness, Steve. It really is.

I’m like, Hey, let’s not do this, okay? Let’s not go over this again. He says, Steve, you almost died this year. Okay? I’m glad you didn’t, because I love you. But you almost died, and then you were saved, and now you’ve got a new life — and this is all you can think about? About some shares of Facebook? This is what you’re worried about?

I go, I know, I should just be worrying about the tablet. He goes, No! Not the tablet!

I’m like, Oh, you mean Android? Come on. It’s a mess. The iPhone is kicking ass. And we’re totally picking up share with the Mac, too.

He goes, No! Not that either! And I’m like, Dude, what? Is Intel trying to fuck us again? Who’s trying to fuck us? Google? Adobe? Microsoft? Palm? Is it Ruby? What did you hear? I swear to God if Ruby hires another one of my engineers I will go over there and set his fucking car on fire in the parking lot.

Woz goes, Steve, it’s Thanksgiving. You should be thinking about what you’re thankful for. You see?

So then it hits me. I go, Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Okay, I get it. You’re right.

The journey is the reward, he says. Isn’t that what you used to say?

It is, I say.

For a moment we just sit there, not talking. Then he goes, Seems like a long time ago, doesn’t it? Back when we were kids, making that Apple I. Remember those wooden cases people used to make?

It was a long time ago, I say.

There’s another pause, and then he says, Well, it was good to hear your voice, you know? I hope you have a good holiday. I tell him, Same to you, and say hi to whoever it is that you’re married to now, if in fact you’re still married. He says he is, and he will.

I go, Okay, and hey — on those Facebook shares? How about we do 55-45.

Here’s the weird part. He doesn’t get angry. He gets all choked up. He says, Sure, that’s fine, whatever. I said, Okay, I’ll send Phil Schiller over to get the paperwork, and happy Thanksgiving, peace on earth, good will to men, namaste and much love, and hey, look, I owe you one. So I’ll tell you what. When the tablet comes out, I’ll get you one for half off.

He says, Oh, look, I’m going into a tunnel, I’m losing my signal, I’ll have to call you back. But he never did, and thank God for that. I don’t have time to sit around yakking all day.

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