Larry got a piece of Facebook and I didn’t

larryellison-hdSo I was downtown picking up the tofurkeys for tomorrow and I ran into Larry and he’s like, Hey, good news on this Facebook thing, right? I’m like, What Facebook thing, and he goes, They’re rearranging the stock so they can finally get their IPO done, and goddamn I am going to make a killing on that shit. Then he sees the look on my face and he’s like, Wait — you didn’t get any? Really? Sorry, man.

So I ask him how he got Facebook shares and he says, I don’t know, my guy got it for me. I’m like, Your guy? He goes, Yeah, the guy who runs some of my money, the one who handles the venture stuff. Remember I wanted you to give him some money to work with? I gave you his card, didn’t I? Or no — I did one of those email introductions. Did you not follow up on that? Anyway, who gives a shit, right? I mean you get some Facebook shares or you don’t, for guys like us it’s all just a speck of frosting on the cake, am I right?

Well, fair enough, and that’s what Katie said when I told her about it, like why do you need more money anyway, and I’m like, First of all, I’ll decide when I have enough money, and second of all, it’s not about the money, it’s about respect. That fucking Zuckerberg kid, you remember how I took him under my wing when he first came out here?

She’s like, You did. You took him under your wing.

Right here, I said, meaning under my arm.

Like a mother bird with a hatchling, Katie said.

I nursed that kid. I fed him. You remember? I had that kid in my house! And who taught him about having a look? And wearing the same outfit every day? You remember I told him — black fleece and flip flops, make that your thing. Own that look. I even loaned him my speech coach to try to drill some charisma into him. And this is how he thanks me? A big handful of nothing? Meanwhile Larry and half of the Valley are running around with friends and family shares? What kind of fucking sociopath is this kid anyway?

Katie says, You’re right, Steve. It’s fucked up. You want me to set up a call?

I tell her, No, then I just look like a pussy for calling. The point is, I shouldn’t have to ask.

The whole thing just sort of symbolizes what’s gone wrong in the Valley. It’s not the same place anymore. There used to be rules. There was a way of doing things, and that’s how you did them.

The good news is, my doctor says I can start doing psychedelics again, as long as I go easy at first. Sting and Trudie are coming to dinner tomorrow, and they’re bringing mushrooms. Nothing crazy. Just a nice soft trip, some candles and red wine and pillows on the floor. We’ll all put on Japanese pajamas and listen to Miles. Or maybe Sting will play some guitar, though frankly, between us, I’d rather listen to Miles.