The U.S. Chamber of Commerce can kiss my monkey’s big red ass

The planet is melting, and these bozos keep saying we should take our time and study the problem and make sure we don’t do anything rash? I don’t think so.

So, we’ve pulled out of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, along with Nike and some power utilities. It’s not just that they’ve taken the wrong position on global warming. It’s why they’re doing it. And the way they’re doing it. If they’d just be honest, and come out and say, Look, we’re getting shitloads of money from oil companies and power utilities, and so we’re basically just a bunch of coin-operated whores who will say and do anything if you pay us, well, I’d almost respect them. I even liked them when they were threatening to sue the EPA and have a Scopes Monkey Trial over global warming. I mean, it was nuts, but at least they were being honest.

But see, now these evil motherfuckers are playing a more subtle game. Now they have come up with this load of rubbish about how they are really super worried about climate change, and they totally “support strong federal legislation and a binding international agreement to reduce carbon emissions and address climate change.”

They just want to make sure we address this issue in a responsible manner, so that we won’t hurt the economy. Right. That’s what this is about — it’s about protecting the economy. The workers. The jobs. The little guys. Wave the fucking flag, and cue the recording of little kids singing God Bless America!

These people are getting paid to flush the planet down the toilet. It’s amazing. It’s like, what wouldn’t you do for money?

Worse yet, they’re acting like they’re the responsible ones! They’re the ones who really, really care about climate change.

For what it’s worth, this is the same line of bullshit we’re now getting from politicians who are doing the bidding of the oil companies and utility companies too. Oh, they care. They care so much! And it’s because they care so much that they want to make sure we take our time, and do nothing.

They want to drag this shit out for years, holding endless hearings and debates. They want to fight and stall and drag their feet. And oh, by the way, if they don’t get their way, as a last resort they’ll start calling people Communists.

Few days ago I had to get on a call with Thomas Donohue, the craven dumbass who runs the Chamber — a guy whose background includes “13 years as president and chief executive officer of the American Trucking Associations, the national organization of the trucking industry.” He’s also a Bush supporter, and sits on the board of Union Pacific, a railroad.

Yeah, he cares about the environment.

So he was feeding me this crap about how the Chamber is super committed to this issue and how I should get more involved and help the Chamber work on this issue and maybe I’d like to be on a steering committee, blah blah blah. I told him we were out, no debating it, and then his voice changed into a kind of growl and he started giving me shit saying that we still haven’t paid our dues for 2009 and so if we want to leave, fine, but we’ll owe him a pretty big chunk of money, plus penalties for not paying on time.

And I was like, Dude, you know what? I’ve got a word for you: Siooma.

He’s like, What did you just say?

I’m like, It’s on the Urban Dictionary. You can look it up.

Then I brought up their crazy idea about having a Scopes Monkey Trial, and I asked him, Seriously, sir, what on earth do monkeys have to do with global warming? You really expect people to believe that monkeys, and not humans, are the ones emitting all the CO2 into the atmosphere? Do monkeys run factories? Do they burn coal to generate electricity? Honestly, sir, do you have no shame?

Then I slammed down the phone. Which, unfortunately, was an iPhone, and the glass broke. Nevertheless, this felt awesome.