Nerd fight!

Is there anything more fun than watching paranoid fanboy bloggers go nuts over some random market research report? And then having the analysts defend themselves? Read on to learn about the Dilger-v-Gartner dorkmatch.

It all starts when some analyst at Gartner says Android will be bigger than iPhone by 2012. This of course sends Daniel Eran Dilger, one of our most loyal fanboy bloggers, into an epileptic fit. He starts foaming at the mouth and attacks Gartner in a 14,000-word piece, calling them shills who have “dutifully suckled the teat of Bill Gates throughout a series of sour spells.”

The thing I love about DED is that a) he’s such a good writer; and b) he thinks this shit through and sees behind all the smokescreens.

For example, maybe you’re wondering why Microsoft would pay Gartner to say nice things about Android? Well, see, you’re not thinking this through.

For one thing, Gartner isn’t pro-Android. They’re anti-Apple. This whole fucking thing is about Apple. Get it? It has nothing to do with Android, or Microsoft, or market research.

It’s an attack on Apple! The whole fucking world is out to get Apple, man!

Why does Gartner hate us? Simple. Because we don’t pay them.

In fact Gartner has a long history of attacking Apple, except when they don’t, in which case Roughly Drafted will cite their numbers gladly and present them as God’s truth.

But anyway. By promoting Android, Gartner is really attacking Apple. On Microsoft’s behalf. Or at Microsoft’s behest.

Plus, there’s an even more subtle game being played here:

Does that mean Gartner is now backing Android just to give itself an appearance of objectivity?

DED doesn’t answer, and he doesn’t have to. We know the answer: a resounding yes! Gartner is saying nice things about Android because it is pretending to be objective.

That way, the next time they say something nice about Microsoft, or something bad about Apple — did I mention that they totally fucking hate Apple? — it will seem a tiny bit more believable.

Yes, they’re playing a deep, deep game over there at Gartner. Thank God we have journalists like DED who can unravel these Gordian knots of double-dealing.

But the whole thing goes even deeper: The truth is, Gartner knows that Windows Mobile is dying, and if that happens, Gartner won’t be getting any more Microsoft money.

In anticipation of this, they’re buttering up Google and its hardware partners:

If WiMo does indeed die next year, that means Gartner’s shills will need new sellout partners. Android is the most likely to support Gartner, not because Google is known to shill, but because the platform represents hardware makers that might be.

Just to be even more clever, Gartner doesn’t actually say that Windows Mobile is about to die next year. In fact, they say the opposite. They say Windows Mobile will be just a hair behind iPhone in 2012, with 12.8% share versus 13.7% share for iPhone.

Oh, you dastardly market research fiends! Believing one thing, and saying the exact opposite.

For what it’s worth, a Gartner analyst just came out and defended his honor and the honor of Gartner by saying that, um, he’s never been bought off or influenced by a tech company.

Yeah right. Like anyone is gonna believe that.