Please stop trying to guess what we’re doing next week, because you will never fully understand my words and deeds

I know this happens whenever we put out one of our cryptic, super-secret invitations announcing a mysterious event, but this time the coverage is driving me nuts. Why can’t you fucking assholes just wait until Wednesday and we’ll tell you what we’re announcing? Why fill page after page with ridiculous, stupid, pointless speculation? Jesus! Rolling Stone says maybe the Beatles are finally coming to iTunes, or maybe not. Well, that fucking settles it, doesn’t it? Clears things right up. They even try to parse the invitation and wonder why we would use the phrase “It’s only rock & roll,” which comes from the Stones, if we’re going to announce the Beatles stuff:

“It’s Only Rock n’ Roll” is either being used to put the Beatles rumors to rest, or as a red herring to get people off the Fab Four scent. Or it’s maybe just a catchy slogan that doesn’t need over-analyzing.

Yes, or maybe you hacks all have way too much free time on your hands, and you should go back to wondering what Miley Cyrus is gonna do next, or what went on during the last hours of DJ OxyContin’s life [ed.– is that a real person?] or how that elderly man is doing since his fall from a stage during a rock concert. Seriously, you dickwads. Leave it alone.