Here’s the deal. Iulia (top photo) and Natasha, our interns in Krasnodar, want to come to the United States. I’ve been having a hell of a time getting this done the legitimate way. (Remind me someday to write a post about the hassles of hiring foreign-born workers thanks to the fuckwits in Washington.) Anyway, we’re going to Plan B, which is we get them into the country on a tourist visa, they meet the American nerd of their dreams, and they get married and stay here. At some point down the road a quiet divorce is arranged, a bit of money changes hands — Apple will keep 30 percent of all transactions — and everyone walks away happy. Or maybe this beautiful Russian girl actually falls in love with you. Wait and see.

The catch is, the girls want to see you. They want videos. And they have some rules. (Ever dated an Eastern European? Get used to it.) First rule is, no genitals. Not even the funny kind, like the “Puppetry of the Penis” stuff. Also, no video can last longer than 30 seconds. If you make a video that’s really great, maybe they’ll ask for more. But to start out, you get 30 seconds. My advice is to do something more than just sit in front of your Mac talking to your built-in iSight camera, like some Mossberg clone. Hell, be creative! Show these ladies where you live, or how much weight you can bench! Recite poetry. Impress them with your nerd skills. Fire up your iPhone 3GS with its built-in videocamera and get out of your office. Sharpen up your iMovie editing skills, and maybe, if you’re lucky, you can convince one these ridiculously beautiful women that you are the nerd of her dreams. Married man are eligible. So are women. Good luck.