Memo from Putin

Good Advices: How Apple Must Crush Defectors in Palm

Styopa —

My country is having much knowledge of defectors. We are having beautiful word in Russian for such peoples, Nevozvrashchentsy, a word of much subtlety which has no English equivalent. It has meaning of, “Peoples who take vacations from which they are not returning.”

In Soviet era, such peoples were subject to very short legal process, trial of which is distilled to single sentence: “You are now having permission to leave permanently.” Such a sentence usually punctuated not by period or exclamation point, but by single shot from pistol of Makarov.

End of problem.

Sometimes solution is more complicated. For example, case of traitor to Motherland, Viktor Belenko. Belenko is pilot of Mikoyan-Gurevich 25, aircraft which is like iPhone of Soviet era: it was not first jet fighter, but was years ahead of anything which competitors are capable of building. Is much faster. Is more maneuverable. Is having radar which is seeing farther.

In 2009, world record for altitude of aircraft is still held by this machine.

Like iPhone, first attempts at copying are crude. America produces lump of metal, which they are calling “MiG-25 killer,” but this crude copy cannot even match speed. Is ugly brick, like T-Mobile G1, or brown Zune. No one in world is buying such a copy, except for Shah of Iran who is placing large order, for reasons I hope are transparently obvious. World is wanting MiG-25.

Then traitor Belenko is flying MiG-25 to Japan, where beautiful design is torn apart by American CIA, American Air Force, Grumman, Lockheed, like beautiful virgin who is sexually molested by filthy hands of sweaty bellicose pigs. They are taking Mikoyan-Gurevich apart. Once they have had their way with her, they are sending her in many pieces back to Moscow, in mail which is asking recipient to pay postage.

Does not Apple feel same rage, as iPhone is flown to headquarters of Palm by former Apple employees? As beautiful iPhone is taken apart, her secrets laid bare? And then they are making cheap copies of her, like woman in commercial of Palm Pre, who is sickly, anemic version of robust, hammer-throwing revolutionary in Apple advertisement.

American reward for traitor Belenko is substantial at first – trust fund, consulting fee, home in California, and so on. And then, one day Belenko is having small car accident, details of which are unclear, but involve sudden loss of steering and loss of brake and fire of curious intensity which is normally associated with white phosphorous not gasoline. (Fortunately Americans are having good dental records for identification.)

Poor Belenko! You are knowing how to fly at Mach 3, but not so good driving car!

Of course I do not suggest that such things happen to all traitors, such as former employees of Apple who are now having trust fund, consulting fee, home in California thanks to Palm. It is an undeniable fact, however, that statistically, such things happen from time to time. They cannot be avoided.