R.I.P., Yahoo

Rest in peace, Yahoo.
O portal
O news feed
O provider of free email accounts
that everyone used
before Gmail existed–
you never quite figured out
what you were meant to be, did you?
Yet you truly put a dent in the universe.
With your cluttered home page,
crammed with buttons and tabs, you
introduced millions to the messy,
garish world of the Interwebs.
Indeed, you were the first great web site.
You even toyed with the idea
of becoming a giant media company
& you hired a bunch of Hollywood assholes to make it so.

We all know how that worked out.
Well, now it’s over.
You’ve slipped into the Borg’s sweaty embrace.
Jon Ive says that Carol Bartz has sold you out,
& that she swears a lot to distract people
from the fact that she’s not very bright.
A bit unkind of him, I think.
My own theory is that Carol
has no idea what to do with Yahoo
because no one knows what to do with Yahoo
so the trick is to bluster a lot
& act all gruff and tough
& hopefully people won’t notice
when you get rolled.
Just tell your shareholders, Look,
we got the best deal we could,
& now if you’ll excuse me
I must go say “fuck” in public again
because everyone finds it so cute
when a little old lady
talks dirty.
Really they do.
Meanwhile, Jerry Yang is rolling over in his grave.
Unless, of course, Jerry isn’t dead.
In which case, he’s probably just really bummed out.
Jerry, if you are alive,
I want you to know this:
I’m sorry. I really am.
Because you seemed like a nice enough guy.
Not a very good CEO, of course.
But a nice enough guy.
Oh well.
The whole thing is just so sad, isn’t it?