Dear Henry Blodget: You’re welcome, asshat

Stop the presses! Disgraced stock tout Henry Blodget just bought an iPhone, and now he believes the whole fucking world must know everything about it. Like how Henry Blodget went to the AT&T store first, but they were sold out, so then Henry Blodget went to an Apple store, but there was a two-hour wait, so Henry Blodget went home, and then first thing in the morning Henry Blodget went to the Fifth Avenue store, and there Henry Blodget did not have to wait, and did you know that they have these people called “concierges”? Henry Blodget’s concierge was named Catherine, and she’s a Libra and likes to take long walks on the beach and has a tiny Chinese symbol tattoo on her ankle (not really) but she was really awesome and helpful and she asked Henry Blodget if he wanted 16 gigs or 32 gigs, and he told her that Henry Blodget only wanted the 16 gigs, and she asked did Henry Blodget want black or white, and Henry Blodget wanted black, and she told him that they did indeed have the phone Henry Blodget wanted, and better yet this phone was already charged so that Henry Blodget could use it as soon as he left the store — Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, Henry Blodget! Enough already! We know how it works when you buy an iPhone! You do realize that we’ve sold 20 million of these things, right? But here’s the real money quote, the bit that really caught my eye:

Confession: I had never been in an Apple store before.

And then this:

Revelation: It really is like entering another world.

Well, that’s very nice of Henry Blodget to say, but wait a minute. You’ve never been in an Apple store before? Are you fucking kidding me? A guy who runs a tech blog, and who used to be a Wall Street analyst covering tech, a guy who advised huge institutional investors and millions of individuals about which tech stocks to buy, has never set foot in an Apple store? Not even just to look around? Like, out of curiosity? Seriously? Hold on a minute. I need to sit down. Okay. Deep breath. You know what? Suddenly all of those dumbass stock picks (a strong buy on Excite@Home?) make sense to me. Dude, you know what? They did the right thing when they tossed you off the Street for life.

Ten bucks says Henry Blodget now becomes the world’s biggest fanboy, and by January he’s camping out on the sidewalk outside the Moscone Center so that Henry Blodget can sit in the front row and pray that a bead of Dear Leader’s precious sweat falls on Henry Blodget, so that Henry Blodget can write a 2,000-word blog post about what it is like to attend a Steve Jobs keynote. You wait and see.