So I saw this group of Nooglers earlier this week – walking around all confused like 4 year olds in Candy Land not knowing which bush from which to pluck the first succulent treat. And it reminded me of my first day at the Holiest of Holies – way back in May of the year of the Snake. Now I’ve been here almost 4 years, which makes me more senior than 176% of the company, as well as in charge of all the important shit.

Surprised? No. I knew I would make it big, though I also knew – like Sergy – that I needed to leave the Motherland. Internet connections are notorious shoddy in Russia, due to crap weather, poor infrastructure, and Mafiosos lying the cables.

But I do recall the first day I started here at the ‘Plex.

The initiation rites are top-secret of course, and I won’t divulge them. But I can say that while the bruises faded and the hazing subsided, the memories remain as fresh as the Greek yogurt I had this morning for breakfast (which, of course, was hand-strained by a former Microsoft employee around 6 AM. He’s trying to get his foot in the door here, so he’s starting out in one of the kitchens. It’s so sad to see a 36 -year-old man broken down like this. I mean, I’ll be retired before I get that ancient. Good Christ-representative in Rome, I hope so.).

Anywho, it’s really refreshing to see fresh meat walking around. This batch of youngins (and some old people, who I assume we’re crating up and shipping out to the Warsaw office once they’ve been trained and microchipped. We don’t want anyone over 24 showing up in any sort of news outlet; i.e. not allow to work on campus for very long!) were being herded through campus on the way to the day’s first feeding.

You can always identify the recent people by the big backpacks, air of confusion, ear-to-ear grins, and petite scabs on the side of their neck, where the chip went in. I wonder if any of them will be joining my super exclusive and top-secret team. Probably not.