Yup, that’s right – your main scoop on the well-fed, primary-colored internet giant has arrived and can’t wait to share all the most awesomest news on the Valley block. Nikolai is in tha houze.

 

Yes, Nikolai, creator of amazing fucking things. Like Google Desktop, Web History, iGoogle (but not those queer themes that Marisa has a total hard on for), Gpants, Gcake, AdSense, AdSense for Desktop, AdSense for Gcake … the list goes on and on. There’s no need to brag – I know my work speaks for itself. And the billions of people that use it every second of their lives.

 

Correct – I am not a native English speaker. So? You’re mom is not anymore, after last night. So there. If you fuckers hate on me because I have a way better job than you, stock options, personal chef(s), tea time breaks, a unicorn, and own a huge warehouse in SOMA, you can suck it. While using Gsuck (beta), naturally.

 

Anyway, how did this come about, you might ask? Good question. So me and Jobso got to talking a few weeks ago after he did a private demo of the new G4 iPhone (yeah, the one coming out next, in 2010), and I was telling him “Jobso, I really like this blog thing, but I think it’s a little…well, selfish and self-contained. What about your competitors and other companies?”

 

Well, he was sucking a huge hit off the Big Bertha and he started coughing and sputtering everywhere and then I got pissed because he was wasting some primo bud.

 

So after he washed down that monster hit with some fair trade oxygen-free water, he tells me “You know, maybe that’s not so crazy after all.” Then I notice that his eye are all bloodshot and wonder how long I’ve been staring into them, because it feels like ages and damn, I am fuckin ripped.

 

Anyway, one thing leads to another and a few weeks later we thought we might take a stab at this. Steve tried not to get too excited, so he was all like  “Yeah, let’s try it out and see if anyone gives a shiz about you guys.”

 

Bish, pls.

 

People are dying to crack open the safe that is Google. Damn, it’s the Kremlin over here – total Soviet lockdown style. Our poor PR bastards don’t even get to leave campus. At midnight curfew they just take the elevators down to their bunkers and snooze for a few hours before the machine starts up again. But what a cake job – I mean, all they do

 

Conversely, if I get caught, my ass is frog-marched into Schmidt’s office (though it means we’ll finally know where it is!) where he will personally hold me down while Largey saw off my balls with biodegradable knives from Charlie’s.

 

Right.

 

So, I’m writing this in the bathroom stall, standing on a toilet seat and holding my G4 iPhone out the window to catch a non-corporate signal. Good thing this throne is made of sterling silver, otherwise it wouldn’t be able to hold all of my muscles up.

 

Enough for now – stay tuned for some amaaaaaaazaing musings and some succulent tidbits about some of my projects and goings-ons.