Carl Icahn is a crazy ass dipshit, and what’s worse, he’s got "old man" smell

Seriously, what is this guy’s problem? I mean suddenly he’s got this huge bug up his ass about me and for no good reason. Does he hate Yahoo? Does he even use a computer? How’s he even heard of us? No. You want to know what it’s about? It’s a shakedown. He’s trying to blackmail us. Or greenmail I guess is the term. Basically he’s hoping we’ll pay him to go away. Roy Bostock says if we just put him off long enough he’ll find some other company to go harass and he’ll just get sick of us and move on. Roy says it’s like dealing with one of those really aggressive panhandlers up in San Francisco. Tell them to fuck off and look like you might possibly be nuts enough to bite them, and they’ll go looking for a softer target.

But what really kills me is that Icahn is coming across as the good guy in all of this. This is the guy who, along with Ivan Boesky, served as the inspiration for Gordon Gekko. In case you missed that movie, Gekko was the bad guy. Do people not realize that?

As for the old man smell, I’m not even kidding. It’s that urine smell, plus some body odor. The one time I met Icahn in person I thought maybe I was imagining it. But afterward I asked Roy Bostock about it and he was like, Yeah, he pees himself when he gets excited. It’s almost sad, except he’s so damn evil.

So anyway. Grandpa is off in Grandpa Land, writing us harshly worded open letters, and we’re having some fun firing back our own nasty letters too just to piss him off and wind him up a bit. Basically our stance is this: Fire away, you pee-stained old coot. We’ve got a poison pill in place that basically makes us bulletproof. And if you want to sue us, well, that’s fine too. Bring it on. But whatever you do, please keep sending the hilarious letters, because we’re all getting a good laugh out of hearing you splutter and rant.

If and when you ever do decide to drop the whole thing, just let us know and we’ll arrange to send the ambulance to bring you back to the Alzheimer’s home, you demented old crook.