I’m totally winning the "Best Beard in Silicon Valley" contest

When I first heard about this I thought they were talking about the women who are married to Jon Ive and Sergey Brin. But no. It’s literally a beard competition. See here. Thing is, I don’t usually like competitions, but this time I really got into it and really wanted to win. Thank God for my colorist, Annalisa. She’s a miracle worker. Just look at that lustrous sheen, that perfect Arafat-esque salt-and-pepper mix. I love myself so much it’s not funny.