Consumer Reports, you are dead to me

So the big brains at Consumer Reports claim that our laptops break down more than those made by other major brands. They base this on “evidence” gathered in some kind of “survey” of so-called “customers.” Please. I don’t believe it for a second. Our laptops are way more reliable than any other brand. Our own internal research, where we survey millions of Mac users, indicates our machines are among the most bulletproof devices in all of consumer electronics, not just computers. So there.

I’ve instructed Katie to ban all copies of Consumer Reports from our retail stores and from our offices. Anyone found carrying CR will be fired on the spot. That is all.