Google putting up fence and gate to keep execs from leaving

Squirrel Boy is in a friggin panic. He’s got execs bailing out left and right. Yesterday it was his CIO and VP of engineering. I talked to him last night and he’s like, Dude, we give these idiots free lobster tails for lunch; we do their laundry and cut their hair; we’ve got pony rides on Tuesday afternoons. And we still can’t keep them. What the hell is going on? What do I have to do? Put up gates and guard shacks and those tire shredder things that they use at car rental places? Why is this happening to me?

So I told him the truth. I was like, Well, for one thing, you’re kind of pompous and self-centered and people don’t like you, and worse, you’re a terrible CEO and you don’t have any clue about how to run that place and in fact you’re not running it, Larry is, but just the fact that you all have to pretend that you run it speaks volumes about how messed up the place truly is. It’s not a company, it’s a cult, and frankly I can appreciate that because we’re a cult too and the fact is that cults are easier to run than companies. But you’re running a cult of children. And not just any children. You’ve got children of the corn type children.

You’ve got these weirdly smart and semi-nasty super-spoiled children who really believe they’re superior beings who shouldn’t have to work too hard and who really don’t take criticism well (because they’ve never received any in their sheltered little lives, and it just totally knocks them on their ass) and on top of all that they are almost entirely incapable of focusing on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. You’ve got an entire corporate culture built on ADHD and entitlement. Nice work, frigtard.

Plus you make a big deal of only hiring these super-high-IQ kiddies and the fact is that most of them truly are smart, but then you put them into this horribly dull and easy drone work on AdWords and AdSense and they’re all bored to tears and totally disappointed because they really really really thought they were going to do something meaningful with their lives and now they’re just worker bees — pampered worker bees, sure, but still — and maybe they should have taken that offer from McKinsey but they really thought Google was going to be so cool and blah blah blah.

And you know what? There is something really evil about taking thousands of the world’s smartest young people and using them to sell online text ads more efficiently. Really. Think of all the really interesting and important things that this pool of brainpower could be addressing.

So then I was done. Eric was just sitting there. I said, So? What do you think?

He goes, I think we’re going to put in the tire shredders. Okay. Thanks for the call. Talk to you soon.