Dear Jerry Yang: Bend over and take it like a man

Well the Microhoo deal has reached the really sad, ugly phase. Just to bring you up to speed: A few days ago Monkey Boy said he’s sick of waiting and gave Yahoo an ultimatum — make a deal in three weeks or we come down there with machine guns blazing and Operation Lebensraum goes into effect. Then Jerry Yang fired back saying the Borg bid undervalues Yahoo. Funny claim, that, since, um, nobody else wants to buy Yahoo at any price and last I knew when you’re selling something, like a car or a house, it’s only worth what someone is willing to pay for it. (This is the argument Larry used in reducing the taxes on his house recently.)

So now poor Jerry is getting weird and desperate. He’s trolling the Valley like a cheap tranny hooker down in the Tenderloin rushing up to cars at red lights and trying to land one last trick before the sun comes up. I mean he’s calling everyone. He’s calling VCs and private equity guys. He’s calling investment bankers. He’s calling Facebook and Google and Intel and AMD and Amazon and HP and IBM and Gateway and Dell. He’s calling Masayoshi Son. He’s calling Chinese government officials (argument being “Hey, we already have such a great working relationship.”)

Of course he’s calling me. Just like he called me when his troops needed a pep talk last year. He’s like, Steve, dude, I’ll do whatever I need to do. You want me to mow your lawn? Wash your car? Steve, I’m sitting here wearing a skirt, okay? You know what I’m saying? You understand me? Don’t make me spell it out, man. Just please please please save me from the Beastmaster.

My feeling is this. First of all, we don’t have enough money to buy Yahoo, and even if we did, I don’t want to own Yahoo. Second of all, there’s this little thing called karma and maybe somehow in some twisted way this is your payback for what you did to those Chinese dissidents. (Also see here.)

Jerry, let me tell you what everyone in the Valley is saying to each other but is too polite to say to you: You mis-managed your way into this mess, so mis-manage your way out of it. You screwed up, and now you’ve been sent to prison, and your cellmate is this big scary crazy dude who wants to mess with you big-time, and nobody is going to get you out of it.

Jerry, I hate to say this, but it’s time to bend over and take it like a man.

(Much love to Art Director Jason for the Photoshop work.)