Dear Facebook kiddies: Be very afraid

Sure, your new COO, Sheryl Sandberg, is the flavor of the month and is getting all sorts of great lovey-dovey press from Fortune and the Wall Street Journal. And right now you all just think it’s so cool to have this bona fide grownup taking over and many of you actually feel safer now that you have a mommy on board and you’re not depending on Zuckerberg who, let’s be frank, hasn’t always inspired confidence. Young friends, enjoy the honeymoon while it lasts. Keep zipping around the offices on your ripstik things and scrawling stupid graffiti on the walls and believing it when Sheryl gives you hugs and tells you you’re so cool. Because one day soon that shtick is all gonna be over, and mama is gonna bring the hammer down. Trust me, I’ve seen her in action. I’ve partied with this woman and I know what she’s like. For one thing, she’s way smarter than all of you little punks put together. And she will not be afraid to let you know it. For another thing, I once saw her bite a dude. He came up and put his hand on her shoulder at a party. She turned and sank her teeth into his hand, so hard she drew blood. Worse yet, I later found out that the dude was her husband. I’m not making this up.

Anyway, Facebook kiddies, enjoy your time while you can. Right now Sheryl Sandberg is studying you. She’s sifting data, combing your code, seeing what kind of car you drive and what hours you work. She’s watching you. She’s sizing you up. Slowly, one by one, she will start picking you off. Like a predator in one of those sci-fi movies where people keep going missing. Don’t believe me? I wouldn’t wander off down any hallways alone. And whatever you do, do not put your hand anywhere near her face. I’m serious.