Larry screws local schools out of millions of dollars. Go Larry!

See this story about Larry’s latest triumphant victory over the forces of evil. Back story: Larry claimed the town of Woodside was charging him too much property tax on his 23-acre Zen palace estate. So he hired a bad-ass lawyer to make up some crazy theory about his assessment being too high, and he won. His theory? Yes, the estate cost $200 million to build, but its true worth is far less than that because nobody in their right mind wants to live in a reproduction of a 16th-century Japanese emperor’s estate. So in fact the place has “limited appeal.” Ahem.

Anyway the judge fell for this and now the town of Woodside will slash Larry’s taxes by 60% from $1.9 million to $750,000. They’ll also send him a refund for $3 million for the past few years when he was overcharged. Of course the town of Woodside is crying poor and saying how this is going to take money away from the schools. My feeling? Boo friggin hoo.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. Why does a guy with so much money go to so much trouble to fight over a friggin tax bill that he could pay with spare change he found in his swim trunks? (If he wore swim trunks, which Larry does not. But I digress.)

Folks, it’s not the money. It’s the principle. Just because Larry is the fourth-richest guy in America, and the fourteenth-richest guy in the world, with a net worth of $26 billion, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t fight tooth and nail to pay as little property tax as possible. I know this is difficult for ordinary frigtards to understand. But if you were a billionaire, like me and Larry, you would totally understand. Because the thing about being obscenely rich is that everyone around you is constantly taking advantage of you and trying to chisel you at every turn. The gardeners, the maids, the Bentley mechanic, the jet mechanic, the house manager — they’re constantly skinning you, and you get pretty damn sick of it. I swear it drives you nuts. It’s probably the worst thing about being really rich.

So maybe the town of Woodside has to cancel yoga classes for the middle school, or serve sushi one day a week instead of five. Or fire a few teachers. Tough noogies, people. You’ll survive. And now Larry can afford that new fighter jet he’s been lusting after. Namaste, Larry. I honor the place where your beautiful inner self becomes not-one with the needs of local schoolchildren. You go, girl.