I’ve heard there’s something bad going on with the economy

Have you heard about this? Apparently some bank in New York almost went under over the weekend and the government had to buy it and fill it back up with money. Or something. I’m no economist but I gotta say this does not sound good. And while I don’t actually pay taxes, thanks to a complicated scheme for which my accountant assures me I can never be successfully prosecuted, I still don’t like the idea of using taxpayer money to bail out greedy frigtarded banks that ran up huge profits selling frigtarded loans to greedy frigtarded losers. Frankly, folks, if I were paying taxes, as I’m sure many of you are, I’d be friggin furious. What the hell is going on here? Frigtards, listen up. Don’t buy shit that you can’t afford. Okay? it’s called self-control. Have you heard of it?

Peter Oppenheimer says I should just STFU since many of those frigtards who took out these dumb-ass ARM home equity loans used the money they raised to buy expensive computers like the ones we make. In fact, Peter estimates 30% of our business over the past 2 years can be tied, directly or indirectly, to the crazy home lending spree and the easy cash which came springing from those ridiculously overpriced houses like oil from the Texas mud. Peter also says we should be all in favor of the government bail-out since it will presumably allow frigtards to keep spending money they don’t have. Peter says the rebate money getting dished out in the economic stimulus package is going to flow straight into our stores. We’re even working up an ad campaign about it. Al Gore is trying to get the feds to put an Apple flyer right in the envelope with the check from the government. Stimulate away, Washington asshats.

So, um, please ignore my opening statement. Borrow all you can, people. See you at the Apple store.