See this clip for an example but the story has been spreading all over the place about some mid-level dork at Google saying Android is going to kick the shit out of iPhone and have much wider adoption and already can do things today that you can’t do with iPhone. Oh really? Let me point out some things you can do with iPhone today that you can’t do with Android — like, um, I don’t know. Make a phone call. Or even hold it in your hand. See, that’s because iPhone is an actual product that exists in the three-dimensional world, and not just a bunch of specs and press releases.

To all of the good folks who have sent me various links to this ridiculous Google smack talk, let me first say thank you. And namaste. I honor the place where your concern and my profit margins become one. But be assured that you can relax, because there’s nothing to worry about. Little rule of thumb in the Valley is that when a company starts talking smack about the other guy, it’s a sure sign that they know they’re fucked.

To all my friends at Google, look — don’t worry. If Android doesn’t work out you’ve still got all those other new initiatives to fall back on. Like the energy thing. And Google Transit. And Google Ride Finder. And the robots on the moon prize. One of those is bound to take off in a huge way. Okay. Meeting over. Back to the white boards, kids! See you at the smoothie bar!