Fortune runs their hatchet job on me. Yawn.

So this big shot reporter at Fortune magazine, Peter Elkind, has spent the past year doing his Captain Ahab impersonation, chasing the Great White Whale that is El Jobso. Seriously, the dude had a major hard-on for me and was determined to do what the SEC and U.S. Attorney had failed to do, which was to bust my ass over the options backdating thing. Elkind is the guy who did the big Enron article for Fortune and the subsequent book. He figured I was going to be Ken Lay Jr. or something.

This story has been cooking for months. We first heard about it last June and immediately threatened to go dark on Fortune unless they relented.

Then at Thanksgiving we learned the story had been spiked because Elkind couldn’t connect the dots that would bring home the bacon and reveal the smoking gun. Or something.

Well now for some reason they decided to revive the stupid thing and if you can bear to read it, go here. Just as we’d heard last fall — he ain’t got nothing. Okay, I’m a tough guy to work for. I’m kind of a dick. I’ve got a temper. Maybe some people suggested that maybe I did have something to do with the options backdating at Apple and Pixar. And yeah, as he reports, “The SEC and the Justice Department are still investigating backdating at Apple and Pixar.” Big deal. Trust me, kids. There’s nothing to worry about.

The ultimate irony is that while Fortune commissioned this story as their big huge takedown of the Jobsmeister, in the end they had to run this Elkind story as a companion to their “Most Admired Companies” list — where Apple is #1. Yeah. It’s like dat y’all.

Dear Peter Elkind: Siooma, frigtard. Better luck next time.

Dear Time-Warner: If you’re hoping we’re going to overlook this or forget about it, um, you’re smoking crack. You know the rules, assholes. And you broke them. Payback’s a bitch and you’re about to find that out.