Dear Al:
You know I love and respect you. You know I’m your friend. You know I urged you to run for president and that I still believe you would be a tremendous leader for our country. You also know that I’ve always told you, in the spirit of complete honesty and respect, that I think you’re often too cautious for your own good and would do better to let loose once in a while and just say what you think and not worry about what the fallout might be. In other words, you’re kind of a pussy, Al. There. I said it. And you know what? I feel better now.

I know it seems unkind for me to say stuff like this to you, but the fact is you need to hear this. Because somehow, despite your extreme pussitude, you’ve managed to find yourself in an important position in the political life of our country. Basically, right now, the outcome of this Democratic primary hangs in your hands. I know you know this, because we’ve talked about it. I also know that you get off on this and it makes you feel powerful and you get a little feeling of revenge on all the assholes who wouldn’t support you when you were running for president and now are desperately turning to you to settle this mess. And yes, the only way for you to feel powerful is to hold back and keep quiet and make everybody keep crawling to you and begging, and once you make your endorsement nobody will pay any attention to you and you don’t want that to happen. Because you love the attention. You feed on it. You need it. You crave it. You get off on it. It’s like a drug. You grew up never getting enough of it from your daddy and now there’s this great big hole in your heart that you can’t ever fill no matter how much attention you get.

Okay, so you’re kind of a sick fuck. Fair enough. I get that. And you like messing with all those people who screwed you over when you were running for office. Trust me, I understand revenge. I understand it a lot.

But look. It’s time to stop being a vagina. It’s time to act. It’s time to step up and endorse Obama and put a stake in the black shriveled heart of this crazy bitch Hillary. I know you want to do it. I know you hate her. I know you’re maybe a little bit ambivalent about Barry and heck, let’s face it, we all are, but we all also know just how unbearable life will be if the she-devil gets into the White House. And really, how bad could Obama possibly be, right? I mean he’s smart, he looks good, he gives a good speech. He’ll be fine. So what the frig is holding you back?

Al, this ridiculous charade has dragged on long enough. She can’t win, but she won’t quit. She’s like some suicide case who gets out on the ledge but then won’t jump, even though the entire Democratic party is gathered down below taunting her and chanting, Jump, jump, jump. She needs to be pushed. So step out there on the ledge and just do it already. I know what you’re thinking. What if you endorse Obama and then somehow Hillary wins and your life becomes a world of shit? You have to believe me, Al, that this will not happen. In any case, no matter what happens, the Clintstones can’t hurt you. No matter what Hillary has said to you about strange hunting accidents, trust me, it’s all just talk. Really. We square on this? Great. Tell Tipper I said hi and we’ll see you guys for dinner next weekend.