The Dalai Lama is bugging the shit out of me lately

Honestly, this guy kills me. See, we used to be really close friends, I mean like super tight, and he was totally stoked when we wanted to use him in our ads. Then ten years ago he got all pissed off because we pulled his image from ads we were running in Asia because we didn’t want to piss off the Chinese. So then he stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t meet with me or meditate with me or even take my calls and all his little helpers with their fucked up names like Tseten Samdup and Undep Tlitec and Tashihunpo Chokorghyei were going around talking smack about me.

Oh, but now it’s different. See, now suddenly he’s in some big pile of trouble and he’s acting like none of that stuff ever happened and we’re the best of friends — and he’s calling me twenty times a day saying, Oh, Steve Jobs, please come help me, I need your advice, tell me what to do, the Chinese are cracking down on Tibet and they’re blaming me and I don’t know anything about public relations and I need your help! Please, Steve, call me! I’m serious!

I don’t even know how he got my iPhone number but now I’ve got to change it. Again. Honestly, this is worse than when Woz starts drunk-dialing me in the middle of the night, wanting to talk about product ideas. Or when Heidi Roizen drunk-dials me and begs me to do her. With the Dalai Lama it’s worse because he gets so worked up. I mean he cries and stuff. It’s really horrible. I save the voice mails and play them for people. Katie says I shouldn’t do that. Phil Schiller, on the other hand, gets the humor.

And now he’s on to this new thing where he’s bombarding the switchboard and trying to get through to me that way and even pretending to be someone else, like Stan Shih of Acer. Then one time he claimed he was Larry Ellison. The receptionist was like, Dude, you don’t even sound at all like Larry Ellison, are you serious? Anyway even if he does get through the switchboard Ja’Red has standing orders not to take his calls and to just keep saying I’m not available, I’m in a meeting, I’m traveling, I’m getting a high colonic, whatever.

Thing is, I really do feel bad about this shit that’s going down in Tibet. But I don’t see how I can help the dude out. Honestly. And he did blow me off for all those years and you know what? I do not forget shit like that.

One thing I’ll say for him, though. He’s a persistent little fucker. Really crafty. Very manipulative. Totally knows how to spot your weaknesses and emotional vulnerabilities, and then he preys on them.

Dalai Lama, I know you read this blog, so let me tell you this straight out: Stop calling me. I mean it.