Entire developer tools team placed on super-duper lockdown

Look, I’ve gotta admit, I’m pretty disappointed with the developer tools engineers. These guys have really let me down. We were supposed to have the iPhone SDK out by February and let’s be honest — it ain’t gonna happen. They’re all whining now saying that they told me from the start that February was unrealistic. Well, you know what I think is unrealistic? Not meeting deadlines and expecting to keep your jobs.

I came in this morning determined to fire the entire team but then Bertrand told me that if we fired everyone we’d never get the SDK finished. Which, okay, he’s got a point. So we’re keeping them on but I’m happy to say that I’ve had to take some extreme measures and put the whole team on super-duper lock-down, which is the second from the top most extreme version of lockdown that we have. (Photo of the engineering sleep pod above.) Nobody leaves the building, and there are only two meals a day, and bathroom breaks are limited to meal time.

Watch how fast that SDK ships now.

While I’m at it let me just say to those of you who have been writing in about Leopard — yes, we know it’s kind of slow. We know it’s got some issues. We realize this. Yes, officially we’re saying that it’s super amazing and perfect and that we haven’t seen any performance issues. But yeah. It’s slow. We know about the problems. We’re working on them. Or, at least, we would be working on them if the frigtards in developer tools and OS engineering could get their heads out of their asses and finish this goddamn SDK.

What really put me over the edge was I just found out that these guys haven’t been abiding by the Level 4 lock-down rules I put in place a month or so ago. You know what these guys have been doing instead? They’ve been out getting hammered on tequila and having crab parties. No guff. Crab parties. Whooping it up while the SDK slips. Damn you, engineers! If I could run this company without you, I would do it in a heartbeat! We’d have nothing but PR and marketing and advertising people. Jony and I will design the machines ourselves, and we’ll outsource the engineering. Someday this will happen. You mark my words. Every single one of these lazy OS engineers will be replaced by someone in China.

One more thing: To those of you engineers who are currently enjoying a liquid lunch over at IL7, please be aware that we’ve installed spy cams over there at BJ’s and Moshe has a team on the way. So little buddies, my advice to you is to get your asses out of that bar and back to your work environment, pronto. That is unless you like the idea of being abducted, hooded, and renditioned to an Apple facility in a country where torture is legal.

I’m totally serious about this. Developer tools engineers, you have failed me for the last time.