Dear Apple Faithful,

This letter is intended for the thousands of you who are here at the Macworld conference and to the millions who are here with us in spirit. From all of us at Apple, I want to say: You’re welcome. And, thank you. Thank you for sharing our excitement about our revolutionary new game-changing products that have already, in just 24 hours, permanently altered the landscape of the computing market and rehaped the entire world’s economy. The reaction to the glowing reviews in today’s press have been astounding, beyond anything we could have imagined when we wrote those reviews several weeks ago.

Time Capsule, aka Product X, is one of those products that just seems so obvious once you’ve seen it yet you never would have dreamed of it before. Right? A high-speed router coupled a storage device? Again, we’re thinking different. The new iPhone software is totally breaking new ground and our GPS functionality is far and away the best and most advanced GPS technology available from anyone on the planet. Basically it’s the same stuff that the CIA uses to track terrorists from satellites in outer space, and now we’re making it available to you at no cost. The new Apple TV? So amazing and scary that we’re expecting many of our competitors to just toss in the towel and leave the business so they don’t have to be humiliated by us as we steamroll over them.

And then there is Air. I don’t like to call it a product, because to me it’s more than that. To me it’s a vision. My vision. It’s a statement. My statement. It’s a no-compromise laptop that has the fastest processor ever invented, the most RAM available on any computer in the world, the best keyboard, the best screen, and the longest battery life of any laptop ever made, plus it’s thinner and lighter than any computer ever created in all of history. How do we do it? How do we make the fastest, most feature-packed laptop but put it into a tiny package and give it such amazing battery life? I like to think of it as magic. And so should you. That’s all you need to know. We did it. And it’s magic.

Finally I want to thank everyone in the audience yesterday for gasping and moaning every time I announced something. Really appreciated this, as always. I was especially grateful when the flickr feed didn’t work and we were standing there with a giant blank screen and you all cheered and clapped like mindless zombies anyway. Yes! That is the spirit of our community! Also the wild cheers and gasping panting orgasmic growls when I walked you through the iTunes movie rental process? Fantastic job. Who would think that with just a few clicks of a button you could rent or buy a movie from the Interwebs, and you wouldn’t even need to use a PC? Can you fucking believe it? Well, it’s beyond rocket science, but we did it.

Finally to all of the Apple engineers who worked on these fantastic earth-shattering products I want to send out a heartfelt thanks. Movie rentals on iTunes? This is Arno Penzias type stuff. A subnotebook with no optical drive that only weighs 3 pounds? How the fuck can we even do it? I mean we’re defying the laws of physics. A router with storage that backs up all the Macs in your house? This is a man-on-the-moon level invention. To all those who say that America no longer leads in advanced research and technology, let the news go forth: We do lead. Apple leads. And the rest of you follow. Without fail, like cows with rings in your nose, you follow. I love you all. Peace out.