So one good thing about being the most powerful person in the universe is that I can pretty much get access to anyone I want. In the case of politicians, most of them are begging to see me. And yes, I’ve met with a bunch of them, even some of the Repubes, just to hear them out. They all pretend like they just want to get my input on policy and sound me out for possible cabinet positions (right; as if) but I know what they’re really after is my money and that’s fine too. Because what is the point of having loads of money if you can’t use it to make other powerful people grovel and dance like puppets on strings?

So here’s the rundown. Obama is a nice guy, but a lightweight. Hillary scares the shit out of me and makes me glad once again that our management team and board of directors are entirely male. Edwards? Two words: The hair. Kucinich I like, the way you like some sweet fruitcake uncle who shows up every year at Thanksgiving and talks about UFOs; but I’m not letting him get his hand on the big red button. Biden? He’s a vacuum cleaner salesman. Dodd? I fell asleep. Richardson brought a box of donuts and ate them while we talked.

Honestly, the Dems are so bad that even that fat blowhard moron Michael Moore says he’s bummed out and can’t bring himself to vote for one.

So on to the Repubes. Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution, and thinks the story of Adam and Eve is literally true. I’m sorry but anyone who is capable of believing that is certifiably insane and shouldn’t be allowed to vote, let alone run for office. Rudy Giuliani picked his nose when he thought I wasn’t looking. Gross. Romney appears to be a cyborg. McCain? Great sense of humor, but, um, yeah. He freaks me out.

So here’s the thing. I’d love your input on this. Is there anyone in this crappy election year that’s worth supporting? Or should we just ride the whole thing out in protest?

And yeah, I’ve already called Al Gore and begged him. Over and over again. Latest take from Al is he says he’s thinking about it. He’ll let the other idiots beat the shit out of each other and then he’ll leap in later and ride off with the nomination. If that happens, my problems are solved.