We’re launching a blogger amnesty program

In the wake of our devastating loss to Nick dePlume of Think Secret (photo) we are considering rolling out an amnesty program to other Apple bloggers in which they would accept a cash payment in return for a promise never to write another word about Apple for as long as they live. Naturally after this they too could claim victory and hail themselves as champions of the First Amendment. Payments TBD based on how much of a pain in the ass you are to us. Highly ethical and unbiased journos like Goatberg, Smurfy Pogue and Daniel Eran Dilger obviously are not eligible to participate. But the rest of you scumbags? Drop a dime. Let’s talk.

Bloggers, here’s your chance to be heroes. Follow in the brave footsteps of Nick Ciarelli. Strike a blow for freedom of the press. Become a standard-bearer for journalists everywhere. Accept money in exchange for shutting the fuck up. Stick it to the man, baby. EFF lawyers are standing by, ready to take your calls.