Much love and big thanks to all the many Apple faithful who warned me about this article saying Jon Ive is only one step from the top at Apple and is seen as the heir apparent. Money quote: “Could Jonathan Ive, the publicity-shy Essex boy who started his career designing toilets and combs, be close to performing one of the most extraordinary coups in American business history?”

Short answer: No. He couldn’t. And he isn’t. Because I am never, ever going to leave this place. Ever.

Also, fellow Americans, FWIW, please know that by calling Jony an “Essex boy” in the headline and the story this British paper is taking a bit of a shot at him — one that’s all but invisible here in America but not even subtle to a Brit. See this definition of “Essex man” on Wikipedia. Or this one.

A bit unkind of them, I think.

To all of you Apple employees who wrote asking me about this other stuff about how I’m still in hot water over these options and backdating and blah blah? No way. No friggin way. Typical British media sensationalism. Now back to work everyone or this time I’ll be dishing out the beatings myself.