For the love of all things holy please tell me this is not a real photograph

Much love to dear reader Brinke for ruining my mellow with this horror show of a photograph. I’m sitting here listening to Pink Floyd (Animals, in case you’re wondering, and I know you are; and yes, I’m finding it to be better than I remembered, though not on par with DSOTM or WYWH). But back to the photo. I can’t even begin to list all of the things that are wrong here. The boots. The hair. The shirt. The shorts. The “I just sharted and I’m not wearing underpants” expression. But folks, what I really care about is that it appears to me that this moron is carrying an iPhone. Attention all Apple retail employees: Did you not get the memo on this? We sent out a list of celebritards who were not, under any circumstances, to be allowed to have iPhones. When I found out how this happened heads are going to roll.

UPDATE: Good news. Turns out we blew up this photo and studied the details and apparently this is a BlackBerry Curve. FSJ regrets the error. And I’m really sorry to see how Bret Michaels has let himself go. To those retail employees in Los Angeles who have been fired already, I’m sorry about this but I’m sure you’ll find other work elsewhere.