This Hollywood writers strike cracks me up

Hollywood writers are due to go on strike unless a last-minute move saves the day. It’s either sad or funny, I can’t decide. The overpaid spoiled morons who write all the shit that gets blasted out onto the TV networks want even more money for their piles of shit. What makes it beautiful is that the guys on the other side of the fight are even more overpaid and more moronic and more full of crap than the writers. It’s like watching two guys you really despise get into a barfight, and you don’t know which one you want to win and ultimately you just hope they both beat the daylights out of each other.

You must admit it’s fun watching two groups of untalented dopes fighting over money. I mean look at the Fall 2007 TV schedule. Does anyone really believe that the world will suffer if this pile of absolute shit all goes on hiatus? If all of network TV vanished from existence tomorrow morning would it make a difference? I mean come on. Deal or No Deal? Retards guessing about briefcases? Or dancing with the fucking stars? How did Tom Bergeron ever get on TV and why is he still there?

Sure, there are a few exceptions. The Simpsons. Thirty Rock. The Office. But even the good stuff is forced to be somewhat retarded by the strictures of the network system. Ever seen the original Office, the one made in England? Way better than the one on NBC. Let’s face it. Network TV blows. The system blows. The business model blows. The consumer experience blows. But worst of all the content blows. What’s more, the system is set up in such a way that it pretty much requires the content to blow.

Meanwhile all the good stuff is happening off the network grid. There’s this huge pool of young smart funny talent who want nothing to do with networks and are just rolling their own. Right now they’re not getting paid much because the bulk of the frigtarded audience just sits there in front of the network boob tube watching moronic former boy band members trying to do ballroom dancing. It’s just inertia. The viewers do what they’ve always done.

But that’s changing. The networks know it. The frigtards will get old and die and the people who are young kids today are not even going to pay attention to the networks. That’s why the networks are trying to push into new media. (Not that it will work. The old guys don’t have the right stuff in their DNA. Look at NBC flailing around with its idiotic download plans.) Better yet, even as the networks are making their feeble attempts at figuring out the InterWebs, they’re now being held back and hampered by their own writers. Great move, retards! Fight the change!

I guess we can’t blame these writers. They’ve all got big stupid houses in Los Angeles and Hawaii, plus Porsches and Land Rovers and way more money than they ever deserved and they got it all for producing what history will view as probably the worst bulk of absolute fecal matter that has ever been passed off onto the world. Honestly these guys have run the biggest scam I’ve ever seen. Now they’re clinging to that fat stupid system that has served them so well.

Writers, listen to me. I mean this from the depths of my Jobsian heart. Thank you. By clinging to your networks and hampering their efforts, you’re helping the whole ship sink faster. You’re making my job easier. So keep it up! Unionize, band together, lock arms in your lifeboats. For those of us on the other side of this battle, this is all great news.

Up here in Silicon Valley we are busy building the next system and we are laughing our asses off at you guys. We all know you’re going away. It’s only a matter of time. You’re latched on to a dying system like so many fat babies sucking on so many big fat Hollywood fake tits. Now the tits are drying up. That’s what this strike is really all about. It’s the beginning of the death throes of the network system. At some subconscious level you clueless fuckwits have begun to realize that the future has nothing to do with the system to which you’re attached.

Obtain a clue, people. You’re sitting there fighting over residuals and terms of this and that when what you should be doing is leaving the system altogether and helping to build the next one. But you can’t do that because you can’t get off the heroin of network money. You’re hooked to a lifestyle. For all your groovy talk and hip little soul patch beards, you’re the most risk-averse people in the world. You’re lifers. I mean, you belong to a fucking union! How fucked up and 20th century is that?

Listen, Hollywood TV writers. For fifty years you’ve had a nice little gig going for yourselves. You’ve unionized and set up all these stupid rules and you’ve created a closed-off little club and you’ve done all you could to keep other people out of the club so you could make ridiculous amounts of money just for pumping out piles of shit content. Now guess what? The Internet blows that up. The Internet is anarchy. There’s no writers guild. There’s no limit on the number of channels. The writers and actors and directors who’ve been shut out of your club are creating their own alternate universe. They don’t want to be in your club. Worse yet for you, they don’t want you in their club, either. They don’t need you. They don’t give a shit about what you do. They view you as a bunch old, fat, stupid, overpaid hacks. Which you are.

Well, good luck with that strike, assholes. And seriously, thanks. I mean it.