Notes from the tour

Sorry for the slow blogging pace but the Jobso World Tour is just taking its toll on me. Throngs of adoring fans, hordes of autograph seekers. It’s insane. No time to eat, hardly any sleep. To paraphrase Dylan, I’m living on reds, vitamin C and cocaine. Everything’s a blur.

But last night something happened that was so special and amazing that I had to share it with you. (And yes, I did plagiarize that last sentence from Penthouse Forum.) I had an appearance at a bookstore in the Castro in San Francisco (did you know that there’s a magazine called “Butt”? I didn’t) and it turned into a Internet celeb-fest, with glamour couple Ryan Block and Veronica Belmont walking in after I’d started talking. I recognized Veronica right away. I had to stop — for a moment I could not speak. If it weren’t for the nitroglycerin tablets that I keep in my pocket at all time, I might have keeled over. How do I describe the effect she has on me? Folks, Veronica Belmont is beautiful on Internet TV, but that is nothing compared to how she looks in person. She friggin glows. She’s incandescent. Ryan, standing beside her, still seems to have no idea that their relationship is doomed.

But this wasn’t even the highlight. Fasten your seatbelts for this one. Also in the crowd was Bike Helmet Girl. The real one. She wasn’t wearing her bike helmet, but she did have the same shoulder bag as in the photo. She turns out to be spectacular. Like off the charts. Like incredibly gorgeous, way more so than in photos, and really, really super funny. And brainy. Like a really classic intellectual type chick. Really dry sense of humor. On top of all that she’s a world-class dancer and has that dancer’s body and a super straight back and great posture. Poor helpless old man that I am, I was trembling. Couldn’t talk. Tongue-tied. Nervous, sweating. I mean she’s like the ultimate dream woman. Worse, she wants nothing to do with me. Says she’s done with married men. And gay men. (I was like, What, you’ve met Larry too?) Says she has the same feelings for me that I do for her but she’s not going to act on them. Great. Friggin great. What is it about these women and their consciences?

Well all I can say is that Bike Helmet Girl stayed around to the bitter end of the reading, and we left the bookstore together in a cab. The rest of the night involved people and places that I’m not at liberty to discuss. As for Bikey, more on this one as it develops. If it develops. Which I guess it won’t. Or something. Peace out.