Last post, I’m afraid. Edge says there’s a huge denial-of-service attack coming from Cupertino. It’s taken down all his Macs. My red iPhone is bricked, too, just like the time Edge switched it to Verizon. Steve Jobs is coming, and boy is he pissed.

Before Steve shuts me down entirely I want to show you what we’ve been working on. You know about next week’s Beatles event, right? It was on the blogs and everything. Steve and Sir Paul McCartney are going to introduce the White iPhone. It comes pre-loaded with every Beatles album ever. Including Ringo’s solo stuff, in case you’re into that kind of thing. It’s got 16 gigabytes and costs $600. Click the picture to see it up close and you can make out the extra Beatles button on the screen.

Edge and I hate to be left behind, so we’ve come up with an even bigger idea we’re going to pitch right here where Steve has to read it. Why just buy the Beatles? What you really want is to buy rock and roll. All of it. Presenting the U2 Rock and Roll iPhone. 64 gigabytes of Product (RED) iPhone packed with all of rock and roll. Beatles, Stones, Zeppelin, Sabbath, U2 of course, plus Nirvana and Pearl Jam all the way up to the complete Arcade Fire and Mike Doughty. If it rocks, it’s in here.

Steve showed me the next-generation iPhone over Thanksgiving. He’s figured out how to solve the problem of having so many things you want on one phone. They’ve added a little iPod click-wheel to the iPhone that lets you thumb through your music and videos without all that screen-tapping. Fucking brilliant. All it needs to be perfect is every rock and roll song. Ever. Coco from Elevation crunched some Excel for us. At $999, Apple can send $400 to Africa and still turn a profit. Whattaya say, Steve? This’ll be the big breakthrough Apple’s been striving toward for years: Finally, white people can stop feeling bad about themselves.