Announcement: I’m now writing all of Disney’s movies

So I’m in London right now but earlier this week I was in LA trying to figure out how to deal with this writers strike. Our execs told me that we can’t move forward on any pictures unless we already have a completed script. They say nobody who’s in the writers union will work on anything. So I’m like, Fuck the union, let’s hire some scabs. They all looked at me like I’ve got three heads. (Except Iger, who was nodding appreciatively and taking notes.) I said, Hell, I’ll go back up to NoCal and pull off the highway in Berkeley and pick up some of those day laborer dudes who are hanging out waiting for work. I’ll drive them up to Pixar and put them to work for minimum wage. Why not? You really think they couldn’t match the output of the big brains who work on cartoons now?

Then it occurred to me. Why even do that? Why hire anyone when the greatest artist of our time is already on the board of directors and running the company? I’m not a writers union member. And please don’t tell me you I couldn’t do a better job than the hacks we’ve got on our writing staff. Do you realize how much we pay those idiots? Plus it’ll be fun. It’ll be a little change of pace for El Jobso. I can live the life of a movie writer. Sleep late, cruise in around eleven, go out for sushi, have some kind of bullshit meeting in the afternoon, talk about ideas and story arcs, jot down some stuff in a notebook, maybe type down a page or two of a script, then go home. Nice. Even at that pace I figure I’ll have all of our backlog finished and ready to go by end of year.

And since I’ll now be on staff at Pixar I’m thinking I might do some of the cartoon voices too. Why are we paying these Hollywood actor hacks millions of dollars? I can do funny voices. Just ask anyone who knows me. I’m great at it. Well, problem solved. What’s next. Oh, right. The stock price. Not sure what to do on that one but Jerry York says he has some ideas.