This is not the way we want to advertise iPhone

Look, the vids with the one-year-olds were fine. Cute, even. The one with the dog flipping through photos was cool too. But now you guys are crossing a line. This video shows a 91-year-old woman trying to use an iPhone. Not exactly the dreamboat demographic we’re hoping to target these days, right? I mean, think, people. The elderly are fine and all but they don’t exactly have a lot of disposable income to throw around on overpriced consumer electronics, do they? And even if they did, it doesn’t exactly do our brand a lot of good to have these extras from Awakenings hobbling around the mall in their Depends scratching at their iPhones. Come on, people. Think. My goodness. Do you want to scare people off? It’s bad enough that oldsters and fatties are now using iPods.

Katie is on this and Moshe too. Instructions have gone out to all retail shrines to refuse service to anyone over age sixty. Of course, for legal reasons, we can’t just turn them away. So we’ve developed a more subtle methdology and have sent out training videos and podcasts to all clerks. Basic play is one we call the “BRB,” in which the clerk listens to the geezer patiently, and nods in agreement, then says, “Let me check out back. I’ll be right back.” Then they disappear and don’t return. If geezer persists and goes to another clerk, we repeat the BRB treatment. If they start complaining or getting loud, we call security and have them arrested for harshing our mellow. Perfect.