Well now I’m on the lecture circuit as a motivational speaker ever since my big appearance at Yahoo. And yes, I did in fact recently tell the Beastmaster that I would rather make love to a bag of broken glass than speak at his company. But what the heck. I broke down and did it. Earlier today I was on the Borg campus to cheer up the troops. Naturally old Hillary got wind of my appearance and swooped in ahead of me. Nice move, trying to upstage the Jobsmeister. But it didn’t work. Her speech was half empty. Mine, meanwhile, was overflowing. Throngs lined the roads, throwing palm branches and rose petals. Jim Allchin did the introduction and once again declared his undying man-love for me. Apple faithful, I know you are wondering what on earth the Jobsmeister could say in such a situation. The following is an excerpt from my remarks:

Dear Microtards,
Thank you for inviting me to speak here. Let’s skip the small talk and get straight to the business. I’m here to deliver some medicine that you’re not going to want to take. But you need to hear it. So here goes. I’m cool, and you are not. I’m smart, and you are dumb. I have good taste, and you do not. I am good, and you are evil. I restore a sense of childlike wonder to people’s lives; you give them Zunes and Vista.

So, as Tolstoy once asked, what is to be done? How can you do better? You’ve come here today hoping that some of my greatness might rub off on you. Or that I might share the secret to Apple’s fantastic success. You hope that by hearing my voice, or by breathing the same air as me, you might somehow ingest some of the magic that has made Apple the greatest and most innovative company in the world. Yes, you scoff at the Apple faithful who camp out for a week to get our products. But let’s be honest. You’d give your left nut for that kind of customer excitement.

How to get it? That is your challenge. My advice to you is to listen to your heart. Follow your passion. Believe in who you are and what you can do. Be original. Dance as if no one is watching. Sing as if no one is listening. Love as if you have never been hurt. Live every day as if it were your last. Don’t be afraid. Be unafraid. Be bold. Be crazy. Be different. Burn your neckties. Give your suits to a homeless shelter. Wear black T-shirts. No matter what anyone working for you does, tell them it’s not good enough. Tell them it’s shit. Tell them they’re shit. Threaten to fire them. Annoy your superiors. Irritate your colleagues. Insist on perfection, and then, when you get it, insist on making it more perfect. Got it? Good. Start today.

The best part was seeing the Beastmaster down back, taking notes. Guy gobbled it up. Hilarious.