Guilty as charged, Your Honor

It’s true. We fired a bunch of retail employees who cashed in $100 rebate coupons for iPhones that we’d given them free. I regret some of the techniques that we had to use to extract confessions. But anyway what’s done is done. Their big defense was that they were only doing something that Jobso himself would have done back when he was a lowly clerk type person. And that’s true. They also pointed out that I, in fact, used several of these coupons myself. And so did Phil Schiller and Jon Ive and a few other management types. Also true. But we’re management. We can do stuff like that. Clerktards cannot. It’s right there in the employment contract that retail people sign when they join the company. We have a signed copy for every employee, along with their blood sample, retina scans, home phone logs, dating history, medical records and data from the chip we’ve implanted in their necks.

To all those of you who stole from the company, I just want to say this. It hurts. It really hurts. It hurts me personally. After all I’ve done for you, for you to turn around and steal from me? I’m speechless. I’m wounded. We give you really great benefits — not health benefits, but I mean the benefit of being able to hang out all day in an Apple emporium, which lets face it is way nicer than your apartment, and to even get paid for this. And now you spit in my face. Guess what? You’re iFired, you iAssholes.