So he saw all the stories (like this one) about how I did this big motivational speech at Yahoo and I’m now the new Oprah and all you have to do is get close to me and you’ll feel my brilliance rubbing off on you. So Gates is like, Hey, old friend, how about coming up here and giving a speech to the troops? Talk about whatever you like, for however long you like. Tell us how you guys made OS X, or the original iPod, or iTunes, or the iPhone. Whatever you like. We’d love to hear from you.

My answer? You can probably guess. Siooma, you evil bastard. I’d rather stick my dick into a bag of broken glass.

He’s like, Well, that could be arranged. Then he hung up.

Speaking of the Yahoo thing, funny story about how it came to be. First time Jerry Yang called me he’s like, Dude, we’ll pay you a million bucks to come talk to our people for twenty minutes. I’m like, Jerry, you don’t have to pay me a million bucks. He’s like, We don’t? I said, No, you have to pay me two million, and I only talk for fifteen minutes, not twenty. He says that’s fine, that’s fine, whatever, he just wants to get me in there.

Then, right at the last minute, like fifteen minutes before I’m supposed to go on stage, I have Katie call them and say, I’m sorry but Steve can’t make it. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. I’m sorry. I don’t know why. No reason. He just doesn’t want to do it. He’s not coming.

That set them off into a friggin panic. Always does. It’s one of my favorite tricks. The truth is I was sitting right outside their building in a limo. Jerry called me all freaking out and wanting to know what’s the matter. I told him I needed more money. He sighed and said, Okay, whatever, how much do you want. Five million, I told him. And I can only do thirteen minutes, not fifteen.

He said fine, but let me just ask you something. You’ve already got like six billion dollars, why do you need to haggle over something like this? I said, Jerry, did you ever hear the story of the scorpion and the frog? Well, it’s like that.

Then I went onstage and gave them a show that knocked them all off their friggin chairs. I mean I killed them. Tore them up. And I only did eleven minutes thirty seconds, just to make a point. On the way out I said to Jerry, You want to know why I demand so much money? Because I’m friggin worth it, baby.