These European countries need to merge

So we’ve announced our deal in Germany with T-Mobile. See here. And the news on France is already leaking out. But before we go forward with other countries we’re taking a proposal to the EU commissioners. The thing is, it’s just a huge pain in the ass for us to have to go through these negotiations time after time after time with each one of these little countries. Basically, we need to get some of these other countries in Europe to merge, so we can just make one deal for all of them. Our biz dev guys have been shopping this proposal around but they say we’re already getting pushback from some of the European countries. Like Switzerland, in particular. Big friggin deal Switzerland. They think they’re so special. We wanted them to merge with Germany and take the T-Mobile deal. Same with Austria and Poland and the Czech Republic and Slovakia. The Slovaks were actually willing to sign on — didn’t even need to be asked. Apparently they’ve done something similar before.

But the rest of them gave us this big song and dance about national identity. Our position is that national identity is what caused all these guys to go to war again and again, and maybe they could look at this as an opportunity. You know? Like, maybe technology has the power to heal all those old wounds and bring people together. I mean, isn’t this what John Lennon was talking about when he wrote “Imagine”? Imagine all the people using the same iPhone with the same carrier. Instead of “me versus you,” or “us versus them,” how about just one big “us”? These Euros say they’re not going to rewrite their national boundaries just for a phone. I’m like, A phone? You think that’s what this is? A phone? Then you know what? I’m not even sure you deserve to get iPhone.

Anyway, they won’t budge. So we’re going to have to play a little hardball. My position is, How bad do you want the iPhone? If you want it bad enough, you’ll merge. Once we’ve rounded up Europe we’re going to get to work on Africa. Bono has offered to help out on that. He sees a pan-Africa merger as a great way to deal with some other issues too. Says we can put the capital in Guyana. I told him fine, I don’t care where it is, just round these guys up.