Remember the magic?

Remember how excited you felt when you left the store and the Apple employees were cheering you and you felt like the king of the world, the coolest guy on the block, because you were first — not second, not third, but first — to obtain the precious God Phone? Because you cared enough to wait in line for days? And okay, now you realize the real reason why those Apple employees were cheering for you — and why they were kind of snickering at you too. Now you’re freaking out, thinking some jackass blogger is going to re-use this photo and put some caption on it like this: “Look at me! I’m a moron! I’m an iTard! I paid $600 for this phone and waited in line for days, and now they’re practically giving them away!”

Okay. I guess maybe you feel dirty. Like you went out with some hunky frat guy and you slept with him on the first date and then he never called you back. Right? You feel used. You feel stupid. Like you got tricked. Like you’re not really that special after all. And now the honeymoon is over and you’re realizing that yes, the screen is cool, but the keyboard sucks and the call quality blows and it’s really not that good as a phone and the EDGE network is useless and the battery runs out in two hours and AT&T customer service is non-existent and you don’t really use it much anymore and you almost feel embarrassed when you take it out in public and so, at the end of the day, what have you got, really? You’ve got a big heavy object that screams, “Hello world! I’m a pretentious, fad-chasing dipshit!”

Well, we’ve got a plan to restore some of that magic you felt on Day One. No, not a $200 rebate. And no, we’re not going to let you return the phone or cancel your plan with AT&T. But here’s what we’re going to do. It’s a sticker. Bring in your receipt to any Apple store or AT&T store and show that you paid full price for your iPhone, and we’ll give you a sticker that says, “Original iPhone.” Very small, very classy, black on black, made of super high quality plastic with a glossy finish. Something you’ll be proud to put on your iPhone so everyone will know that you’re not just any iPhone user; you’re one of the super smart, super cool early adopters who paid full price. You see? We’ve got you covered. I know what you want to tell me. What can I say? You’re welcome. I love you too. And you are special. I mean it. (Photo by Simon Ritchie, courtesy of Attention Seeker magazine.)