So Woz is all proud of himself because he’s dating a quasi-celebrity. And he’s doing this thing where he calls everyone he knows and pretends he’s just calling to chat about nothing in particular and then he sort of drops Kathy Griffin’s name, as if in passing. He called me last night in London and sort of rambled for a while about doing the iPhone in Europe and then he goes, “Yeah, you know the iPhone really is a great product, Steve. I got one for Kathy and she loves it.” So I know what he wants me to say but instead I start telling him about the iPod Touch and asking what he thinks. He says, “Oh, it looks really cool. One of Kathy’s friends was saying she’d rather have that than the iPhone.” Again, I let him twist a bit and ask him about the new Nano and would he like me to send him a few. He says, “Yeah, one for me and one for Kathy. Things are getting pretty serious with her so I guess I should get her a Nano, right? It’s the least I can do.”

So finally I can’t torment him any longer and I go, “Who’s Kathy?” He’s all psyched and he goes, “Dude, Kathy Griffin? The girl on TV? She’s an actress. I’m totally dating her.” I go, Really? Kathy Griffith? I’ve never heard of her. Is she related to Andy Griffith? Has she been on shows or something? He says, “It’s Griffin, not Griffith. You’ve seen her, for sure. Red hair? She does stand-up. She’s pretty famous. And pretty hot, too. But that’s not why I’m into her. Anyway, yeah, we’ve been dating and I think it’s going to get serious. She does a lot of comedy and I think that’s why we hit it off. She’s really brainy, and we’ve both got the same crazy sense of humor, you know? She says she’s never met a guy as funny as I am. Or as rich. That’s a joke. Get it? Like she’s only dating me for my money. I’ll tell you, Steve, she’s the best, seriously.”

What could I say? I told him I was happy for him. And I am, I guess. But look, Kathy Griffin, I’m warning you: If you hurt Woz, or take advantage of him, you’ll answer to me. I mean it. (Photo: Marc Areola, NewsMax.)