We’re updating our list of people who aren’t allowed to buy Macs

I know we’ve had some failures with our “No Mac For You” program, for example when a bunch of Republicans, including members of the current administration, managed to obtain iMacs and MacBooks by using cut-outs and fronts to make purchases on their behalf. Fair enough. We’re working on a new system that would let us address that problem. (The latest attempt involves licensing some of the software that Microsoft uses to monitor its users and mixing it with some Google stuff that spies on users. We’ll try to filter out right-wing nutbags based on the content of what they’re writing in their emails or the Web sites they’re visiting.)

Overall, however, the “No Mac For You” campaign has been a resounding success. The spotters-slash-bouncers placed inside our stores to gently guide non-cool and non-attractive people out of the stores have been incredibly effective. And we did a brilliant job of reinforcing the message with our “I’m a Mac” advertisements. Pretty simple visual message: If you look like the guy on the left, you can’t have our machine. Don’t even try, because you’ll be turned away at the store. Bokay?

The thing about an exclusivity policy is that the list gets old very quickly. There are always new people being added to it, and, in rare instances, people who are on the “not allowed” list sometimes are removed from the banned list and placed on the “allowed” list. (eg, Andrew Sullivan after he underwent reeducation and became a liberal.) But every so often you just need to do a major overhaul and renew the entire list. That’s what we’re doing now.

Most of the blocked people are pretty obvious. Paris Hilton, Britney Spears. Anyone in the Bush administration. Richard Branson. Hillary Clinton. (Bill is OK, however.) Scott McNealy. (You think Solaris and StarOffice are so great? Then go eat your own dog food, Scooter.) Richard Stallman. (You would not believe how many times he’s tried to get one, and how crafty he’s been about it.) Alvy Ray Smith. Steven Seagal. Anyone at Fox News or Gawker Media. Fat people. Old people. People who dress badly. People with mullets. (See photo of Wayne Dirt, Joe Dirt’s half brother, above.) People who shop at Wal-Mart. You get the idea.

Yes, we are reaching out and trying to gain market share by convincing Windows users to switch. But we don’t want just anyone. Apple faithful, if you want to have a hand in compiling the new list, send in suggestions. We’re listening.