Ain’t he a beauty? Meet Simon P. Jobs, produced via IVF in a lab at Stanford using my sperm and — here’s the big breakthrough — an egg that was also produced by me. First time this has been successfully pulled off anywhere. Thing is, as I’ve said recently, I am immortal. But just in case anything should happen I think it’s good to have an heir waiting in the wings. And, no disrespect to Mrs. Jobs, because she’s very smart and beautiful, but she doesn’t have the Jobs genes, and if anyone else is ever going to take over this company I think they need to be one hundred percent Jobso. Docs managed to insert a transplanted ovary into my abdomen and gave me hormones — remember for a while last year I didn’t a beard, and people were wondering why? — and then harvested the eggs I produced. Whisked them into a petri dish with some of my uber-gravy (which for the record the docs said was unlike anything they’d ever seen before; really strong swimmers and lots of them) and voila, Simon P. sprang to life.

He’ll be raised at Apple, in a secret environment where he’ll be exposed to a completely accurate copy of the real world. If I live forever, as I plan to do, well, fine. Simon P. has the easiest job in the world, just hanging out in his hermetically sealed environment, going to the gym and getting laid and having people tell him how brilliant he is — in other words the same life as Sergey Brin. If anything does happen to me, the boy prince takes over. I don’t care if he’s only three years old. He’s in charge. This is all in my contract and can’t be revoked. Might be a rough patch in the years before he learns to read, but trust me, once he comes of age and those Jobso genes kick in, this kid will be taking over the planet.

For the real story, see here