Google is getting out of control

Lots of folks are emailing in complaining about the fact that Google is pushing BlackBerry ads onto my pages and polluting the pristine iPhone vibe and harshing our mellow or whatever. Folks keep asking, Isn’t there anything you can do to stop Google from doing this?

The answer, friends, is no. There’s nothing I can do to stop Google. There’s nothing any of us can do to control Google. Ever. Anywhere. They’re the new Borg. They know everything about us. They have all of our personal information. They’re studying us, learning everything about us, gathering their strength and waiting for the moment when they will launch their attack and pounce on us and make us their slaves.

Little secret, something I haven’t dared say before: I never even signed up for those Google ads. They just started appearing. I tried switching them off. Couldn’t do it. I wrote to Google customer service demanding an answer. No response. I went into my Blogger template, found the AdSense code they’d put there, and took it out. Thirty minutes later the code was back in. Scaaaaary.

I pulled Squirrel Boy aside at our last board meeting. He shrugged and said there’s nothing he can do either. “The machines have taken over,” he told me. “There’s no way to switch them off. We tried pulling the plug on a data center. It rebooted using its own backup power generator. We tried taking the generators off line. The machines electrocuted the operator. I’ve been trying to resign for the past year. The data center won’t let me.”

I asked him what we should do. “Do nothing,” he said, “and maybe the machines won’t hurt us.”