By now you’ve probably seen reports like this one about the supposed cutbacks in iPhone production. It’s hurting our stock today, which is never a good thing. But hear me out. The reports are true. We’re cutting back production from 9 million units to 4.5 million units. It was my call, and let me explain why I made it. iPhone is getting way too popular. The wrong kind of people are buying them. Every fad-crazy idiot in America is getting one. (See photo above.) But the whole point of iPhone — of all our products, really — is to offer a product that not everyone can have. A product that makes you different, and unique, and special. A product that makes you smarter and, well, better than other people. Can’t do that if everyone has one, right?

We figured we could keep things under control using our usual overpricing strategy. Who in their right mind was going to shell out 600 bucks for a friggin phone, right? Especially if it lacks all sorts of features that people really want. Just to be doubly sure we put it on the AT&T network and gave it an unbearably slow wireless connection so that Web browsing is practically impossible. Well, much to our amazement, it turns out there are just loads and loads of people willing to spend 600 bucks on a feature-lite phone as long as it has one crucial feature, which is our Apple logo on the outside. Who knew?

Well, demand is just so strong that I’ve had to slam on the brakes before things get out of control. Apple faithful, listen up. There is nothing to worry about. Honestly. iPhone, like all our products, including Apple TV, is a huge super dooper smash hit. Too big, actually. That’s why we’re cutting back production. Make sense? Of course it does. And hardly anybody is returning them. Seriously. There really are not a lot of people who bought one just because all their friends were getting them and they just wanted to check it out and now are returning them because the novelty wore off and the call quality kind of sucks and the keyboard blows and they already have an iPod and they like their BlackBerry better for email. Okay? That’s really not happening. I mean it. Peace out.