I’m offering to help Lindsay Lohan

I’ve talked to Arnold about it and he thinks we can work something out where we can keep her out of the judicial system and handle this privately and humanely. Clearly she needs to be punished but the girl definitely doesn’t need to go to jail. She needs to get out of LA, up to the Bay Area, spend some time at Tassajara or Green Gulch, do some meditation, stop eating meat, stop drinking and smoking, just clean up and detox, maybe spend a week eating nothing but carrots, go for long walks on the beach, do some T’ai Chi and Zen work with an older dude who isn’t her dad and who isn’t interested in her only because of her looks. Clearly the girl needs to be taken in hand by a wiser, spiritually gifted yet also strict man, sort of a father figure but a guy who’s an improvement on her real dad, a guy who can discipline her and keep her in line. (Enough, we get it, Ed.) When she’s cleaned up and rested we can get her some work at Apple. Let her live a normal life. Get up, take a shower — preferably a long, hot, steamy shower with lots of soapsuds and a big squishy loofah — then get dressed and go to work like a regular person. We’ll get her some job at Apple and she can just be normal for a while. Poor kid. She never had a normal childhood. Never had a normal adulthood. That’s what she needs, and I want to give it to her. I mean I really, really want to give it to her. (Are you Bill O’Reilly? You’re fired, Ed.)